Could it be that way?
I was just a child
out of my league and body
Cerberus
Beautiful, Intimidating, endlessly generous
I truly am dead now
Knife goes out
Time bleeding together
I hear his joke in her voice
The channels changed but the TV is back on
how to unseee
how lonely i’ve been
The other night i feel asleep to the thought of asphalt.
Like just the idea of being up close to it, loose gravel sticking to my hand leaving an imprint on my palm.
Sitting down feeling the ridges beneath you form an uneasy and uneven net keeping you safe.
it feels so distant for some reason? like something closed off from me.
Leaning back on the side of the road, feeling the cold sweat of an arnold palmer can the color of clouds about to turn with a yellow and red umbrella and a 99c sticker on the top left corner.
The smooth texture of human made land, the uncertainty of lying down in the middle of a residential street late at night, The safety of sameness…
For the past couple days I’ve been walking everywhere looking down and thinking “When did the barrier get here?”
It feels impossible to go horizontal on the pavement, where’s the right spot, whens the best time of day?
The Knight of Swords, naive in its understand of what rules to break, the way the world is.
I stopped being the same a long time ago, now I spend my weekends surrounded by maples, and focusing on the cracks in between, rosemary flowering in early february.
When is the right time to be the same again, I can lay down on the road anytime, anywhere I want, feel the comfort, but the gilet wearing rower going to fishies with the lads is still gonna call me a f*g**t or a crossie.
Life’s the same to them, I'm sure they yell other slurs at unsuspecting pedestrians and then have a cigarette at 3am in silence with a close friend they wish were a bit closer, they rhapsodize about “This must be the place” and how much they miss A-levels…
Maybe they miss asphalt, aside from the one they found careening off a pay-per ride electric scooter last week with their hands wrapped around the waist of someone safe and same.
I’ll find a time and place to lay down, eventually, feel the looseness of breaking the rules, doing things you’re not supposed to do, be someone you’re not supposed to be. Like the steady hum of the window wipers squeaking in heavy rain, these plans move out of my vision.